No ones going to read this but i need to write. I helped my ex move the other day. We ended up having some sexual encounter's (not exactly sex that's why i didnt put sex) But I'm pretty sure i just ruined all the 8 months i took to get over him. Not saying that i want to be with him Altho I'm sure i would if i could but he is have a baby boy with his fiance (my ex friend) I would never split a family up i shouldn't have done that the other day i said no started to drive my car to his apartment to get the rest of his stuff but he convinced me to drive else were. It's just meaningless sex to him so its not like he missis me. Today I'm dying emotionaly I keep asking myself why? What did i do to desearve being treated like this? Did i deserve everything he did to me? I keep thinking about how i stuck with him while he was in jail put money in his canteen so he could eat even when i was broke i put money in there Then i stayed with him through all his cheating just to have something like this happen to me. Why am i still attracted to him? I want to hate him it's so much easier to hate him then to have all these conflicting thoughts about him. If i didn't have my daughter i dont think i could have servived this. When i contimplate suicide i think of my daughter she doesn't need to live with her father she would be worse off there I also think god chose me to live for what ever reason there are people out there good people who god decides to call home to early before there time, But he hasn't called me home i have a purpose. I am not a huge god person i dont go to church but i do belive that. I called my ex's mom to see if she could come over i need someone a friend or something and she is the only one who i know doesn't mind spending some gas money to get over here. On a off note im meeting this guy named ryan tomorrow meet him off of pof we will see how it goes.

Wow it's been so long sense i have wrote i have been a verry bussy women though. Amber is now 17 months can you belive it? I am no longer with jason it has been 8 months and im finaly not feeling like i want to go back. Me and jason broke up in augest a few day's after my daughter's bapzisim. We had got into a argument because i wasnt going in to take a nap with him (my daughter was awake) and i texted him that he was a asshole and over reacting and then i told him im leaving as soon as i find somewere safe for me and amber to go he then came storming out of his room grabed my phone threw it out side so i threw a teddy bear at him and he put me in a head lock. I took all my and my daughter's stuff and we left we went into a shelter i had to move me and my daughter around alot but we are finaly seteled we are in a domestic violence program in plymouth that pays rent on a apartment if i follow a few rules. But you need a little more backround on what im going through right now. So before i left in augest i found a old friend from high school on face book and noticed that she lived in newbedford so i asked her if she wanted to hang out at sometime and she said yes well soon after that she had to go to a institue and i felt bad becuase her dad kicked her out of the house so i talked jason into letting her move in. (Really bad idea) at first it was ok we would all joke about 3 sums but thats what it was jokeing jason tried to get her into it once but she didnt. To make a long story short they are now engaged and expecting there first child in september. I dont trust anyone anymore its to hard to ever belive what you hear. It hurt me so much to be betrayed like that i still hate them both they get to see my daughter wednesday and sunday i dont trust them with her but there is nothing i can do. I am planing on moving asap to another state he wont be able to come right away and that will give me the space i need to maybe not have all this resentment and anger towords them i know amber is going to have a sibling but i have to leave i can not stay here and keep resenting him and her and live in all this haterd.