Saturday, April 30, 2011
No ones going to read this but i need to write. I helped my ex move the other day. We ended up having some sexual encounter's (not exactly sex that's why i didnt put sex) But I'm pretty sure i just ruined all the 8 months i took to get over him. Not saying that i want to be with him Altho I'm sure i would if i could but he is have a baby boy with his fiance (my ex friend) I would never split a family up i shouldn't have done that the other day i said no started to drive my car to his apartment to get the rest of his stuff but he convinced me to drive else were. It's just meaningless sex to him so its not like he missis me. Today I'm dying emotionaly I keep asking myself why? What did i do to desearve being treated like this? Did i deserve everything he did to me? I keep thinking about how i stuck with him while he was in jail put money in his canteen so he could eat even when i was broke i put money in there Then i stayed with him through all his cheating just to have something like this happen to me. Why am i still attracted to him? I want to hate him it's so much easier to hate him then to have all these conflicting thoughts about him. If i didn't have my daughter i dont think i could have servived this. When i contimplate suicide i think of my daughter she doesn't need to live with her father she would be worse off there I also think god chose me to live for what ever reason there are people out there good people who god decides to call home to early before there time, But he hasn't called me home i have a purpose. I am not a huge god person i dont go to church but i do belive that. I called my ex's mom to see if she could come over i need someone a friend or something and she is the only one who i know doesn't mind spending some gas money to get over here. On a off note im meeting this guy named ryan tomorrow meet him off of pof we will see how it goes.