Saturday, April 30, 2011

No ones going to read this but i need to write. I helped my ex move the other day. We ended up having some sexual encounter's (not exactly sex that's why i didnt put sex) But I'm pretty sure i just ruined all the 8 months i took to get over him. Not saying that i want to be with him Altho I'm sure i would if i could but he is have a baby boy with his fiance (my ex friend) I would never split a family up i shouldn't have done that the other day i said no started to drive my car to his apartment to get the rest of his stuff but he convinced me to drive else were. It's just meaningless sex to him so its not like he missis me. Today I'm dying emotionaly I keep asking myself why? What did i do to desearve being treated like this? Did i deserve everything he did to me? I keep thinking about how i stuck with him while he was in jail put money in his canteen so he could eat even when i was broke i put money in there Then i stayed with him through all his cheating just to have something like this happen to me. Why am i still attracted to him? I want to hate him it's so much easier to hate him then to have all these conflicting thoughts about him. If i didn't have my daughter i dont think i could have servived this. When i contimplate suicide i think of my daughter she doesn't need to live with her father she would be worse off there I also think god chose me to live for what ever reason there are people out there good people who god decides to call home to early before there time, But he hasn't called me home i have a purpose. I am not a huge god person i dont go to church but i do belive that. I called my ex's mom to see if she could come over i need someone a friend or something and she is the only one who i know doesn't mind spending some gas money to get over here. On a off note im meeting this guy named ryan tomorrow meet him off of pof we will see how it goes.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Wow it's been so long sense i have wrote i have been a verry bussy women though. Amber is now 17 months can you belive it? I am no longer with jason it has been 8 months and im finaly not feeling like i want to go back. Me and jason broke up in augest a few day's after my daughter's bapzisim. We had got into a argument because i wasnt going in to take a nap with him (my daughter was awake) and i texted him that he was a asshole and over reacting and then i told him im leaving as soon as i find somewere safe for me and amber to go he then came storming out of his room grabed my phone threw it out side so i threw a teddy bear at him and he put me in a head lock. I took all my and my daughter's stuff and we left we went into a shelter i had to move me and my daughter around alot but we are finaly seteled we are in a domestic violence program in plymouth that pays rent on a apartment if i follow a few rules. But you need a little more backround on what im going through right now. So before i left in augest i found a old friend from high school on face book and noticed that she lived in newbedford so i asked her if she wanted to hang out at sometime and she said yes well soon after that she had to go to a institue and i felt bad becuase her dad kicked her out of the house so i talked jason into letting her move in. (Really bad idea) at first it was ok we would all joke about 3 sums but thats what it was jokeing jason tried to get her into it once but she didnt. To make a long story short they are now engaged and expecting there first child in september. I dont trust anyone anymore its to hard to ever belive what you hear. It hurt me so much to be betrayed like that i still hate them both they get to see my daughter wednesday and sunday i dont trust them with her but there is nothing i can do. I am planing on moving asap to another state he wont be able to come right away and that will give me the space i need to maybe not have all this resentment and anger towords them i know amber is going to have a sibling but i have to leave i can not stay here and keep resenting him and her and live in all this haterd.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Hi i know its been i while sents i wrote but i have been really busy. The last time i wrote i told all of you how much i hate my boyfriend. Well that hasnt changed but now me him and amber moved out of his mothers house and have our own apartment (it has been ok) the only thing that was stupid was the fact that he went out with another girl and didnt spend 5 min with his daughter that day then calls me to see if i would make dinner for him and her i was so heated. He came home at 830 and chased me around (i was walking in circles cause i didnt want to be close to him) and apoligized and said ill never hang out with anyone again. Thats not what i want what i do want is for you to spend time with your daughter and not involve me with these girls cause i dont care but i dont want to know cause then i will care. Amber is doing good she will be 6 months in a week in a half tomorrow we are going to get pictures done with my neices to give to my mom for mothers day then next week she has her 6 month photos and 6 month check up. It was nice to wright some of it down thanks for reading ill try and write again soon and here is a video of amber for good messures
video

Friday, March 19, 2010

I am so sick of jason he blam's me for every problum we have (i admit i start fights sometimes but not all the time) I'm going to take amber and go into a shelter (hopefully i wont change my mind again but i really hate him) I cant even tell him when we are leaving cause then he will punch me (did last time and i had to wait another week before i left but he ended up talking me out of it by saying he will leave well i dont belive him anymore besides the fact that even living here i still cant get rid of his control sorry it took so long to wright the baby has been keeping me busy got to go now cause she is getting fussy hope every one is feeling good today

Monday, March 1, 2010

ok so current time. I have a beautiful 4 month old baby girl. Her name is Amber Lynne. She is the love of my life. I am 21 and have wanted kids scents i was 16 (now I'm glad i waited). I'm not happy with my life the way it turned out i wish i had met a nice guy. One who wanted just me who thought i was so beautiful who was there for me even when I'm a pain in the ass. I could go on and on with what i want in a guy but ended up getting an abusive asshole. Jason and i are now going to counseling to try and work out our differences but i honestly don't want it to work. I hate him the way he treats me how he doesn't help with the baby at all. (he cant change a diaper make a bottle give her a bath or even watch her for a few hrs) I have forgotten how to kiss cause he doesn't like kissing. (kissing is everything to me) I just don't want to be with him anymore. Don't get me wrong he provides for us financially he bought me a van with the tax returns but i need more then money we could be flat broke (hell we were) but all i want is love. He calls me selfish but i don't want amber to grow up and end up in a relationship like this. I mean like 3 weeks ago he gave me a black and blue eye (among other things) and i asked him if someone ever did this to amber what would you do (he said) kill them so i told him you know I'm someones daughter 2 i don't deserve to be treated like this. ok well we have counseling tonight so ill get back on tonight or tomorrow and write again. HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lets see were did i leave of oh yes i believe it was February when i found out i was pregnant so Jason smokes pot (I don't but he isn't angry when he smokes so i would much rather him smoke then drink) on valentines day he told me we were going to go see a movie and instead of doing that he went to his friends house and got some pot I got so pissed. (i may have over reacted but that was hormones) any way the day i found out i was pregnant the end of February we were on our way to get his car checked out and we got into a fight and he hit my head against the car door (owww). Then when i took the test i was happy but sad at the same time who wants to have a child with someone who hurts you. The next nine months sucked i had a rough pregnancy and he didn't want to help me. Every time i wanted to talk about the baby he would ask if i ever shut up. And i got really sick and was throwing up every hr severely dehydrated so he kicked me out of the room cause i was waking him up (he didn't have a job yet) and wouldn't take me to the hospital when i couldn't keep any water down (i was afraid i was going to lose the baby). 2 weeks later he got sick with what ever i had and guess who had to be there for him. Yup i cleaned up his puke shit ext while pregnant. Those were my happy adventures before my baby my next post will include things about my little girl (honestly most of my blogs are probably going to be about him because he is my biggest stresser) Thanks for Reading!!!
Ok this is the first time that i have ever blogged. I thought this would be great to get my stress out and be able to talk freely. If you don't like what i have to say stop reading.

Were to start I meet my current boyfriend in June 07 (this is much needed back round) we meet on adult friend finder (something I'm not proud of) at the time i was pregnant we were only talking online so that was ok then July 10th (my 19th birthday) i found out i was having a miscarriage. That time in my life sucked i stoped going online until the end of July early August. I then continued to talk to Jason (my boyfriend) we decided to move in together as roommates (i only met him in person end of August early September) wo wicked fast and when i mean room mates i mean sleep together and share the same bed but he still could go out and have sex with anyone he wanted. That was my second mistake. We moved in to our apartment in October I was the only one working (he helped pay first and last). At the end of October he got arrested. He brought a girl to our apartment got drunk and ended up beating her (telling me he didn't do it but now i know better) I ended up having to use all my hard earned money (and the money for rent) to bail him out. The next few months sucked he never got a job he sat on his computer all the time waking off and yelling at me (oh and screwing some chick in his car while i was driving and he was drunk again.) In January of 08 I had taken to many depression meds (don't ask me why cause i honestly don't remember anything from that day all i know is when i finally came to my welbutrin was all but empty) was trying to go to work (i worked 11pm to 7am) when i got there i told the guy i was feeling dizzy. He told me i was drunk and to go home i was fired (i wasn't drunk i don't drink at all alcohol makes me sick) on my way home i plowed into a tree. After that Jason went to jail for 7 months. Life was great i moved in with his mom had all the support i needed me and Jason would write letters back and forth and talk every night on the phone. Then when he got out life started to suck again. Same shit as before only this time we were dating. In February 09 I found out i was pregnant with my beautiful daughter amber.

Want to here more ill post the rest either later or tomorrow my daughter needs me right now (sorry its a long story but it feels good to Finlay tell it)